Ghost Recon: Loading screen warrior

Posted by Daniel Tait on 18 December 2013

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Ghost Recon[PC] is a game about downloading updates.

After an hour of installing you will need to download version 1.1. This is the longest update because Ubisoft needs to be sure that you obtain all of the sound files for every human language in existence. Watch excitedly while the progress bar moves slowly across the screen for the next 400 mega language pack.

After downloading the update you will need to install it mnually, where you will again be treated to another progress bar for the next 30 minutes.

Once you've installed patch 1.1 U play will start, you'll need to install that too. Of course U play will need to update itself next, where you will be treated to a slightly different progress bar that uses a lighter shade of blue and has rounded corners on the end.

Uplay is Ubisofts answer to steam. Because steam has done so well EA (origin) and Ubisoft (Uplay) have decided to release their own DRM systems. Both demonstrate how bad a modern day DRM can be. Uplay is to Steam what a used tampon is to a monster truck, or anything with teeth.

After installing the game, updating it to 1.1, installing Uplay, updating it and setting up an account. You will then need to download and install patch 1.2. Afterwards Uplay will direct to to a website which then informs you that there are only 2 more updates to go.

At this point close the website because it is of not value, go back to the broken DRM click play of the game title and begin the next update sequence also known as 'level 2'.

Repeat this process until you become bored of updating things and do something, anything more interesting like masturbating, talking to your parents, or watching reality TV.

If you manage to stay awake through the update process you are now ready to play a port of Splinter Cell: Blackhawk down 2 for Nintendo DS.

After all the updates the game finally launches to serve up a cold lunch platter of disappointment, the kind of spread you'd find at funeral or a PTA meeting. The game still contains a plethora of bugs that become apparent in the first few minutes of gameplay, but hey at least you can enjoy it in 50 languages.

The plot is generic and boring, the graphics are dated, the levels could be replicas from any modern warfare game, the DRM is enraging, the voice acting and dialog: downright terrible.

The cut scenes look worse than the in-game graphics and are just plain boring. If any motion capture technology has been used here I suspect that to save on casting Ubisoft replaced actors with planks of wood riding vibrating dildos.

The Tom Clancy franchise has become as stale as ever. Splinter Cell: Conviction shed a little hope for the series. Rainbow 6 has been terrible since version 3, and the Ghost Recon games never work properly on release day.

Pros: I watched a movie called Chronicle while waiting for the install and updates. It was enjoyable.

Cons: Chronicle finished before the updates did.

Chronicle: 7 1/2 out of 10

Ghost Recon: 0 out of 10